1. Scissors are to be used for opening bags of chips, not for your hair. Especially NOT your bangs. EVER.
2. Never use bleach and ammonia at the same time. It creates a toxic gas that will cause you to suffocate.
3. Learn to use a fire extinguisher.
4. Do not ask a question you don’t want the answer to until you are emotionally ready to handle it. For example. “Do you love me?” or “Does this make me look fat?”
5. Good friends are the ones who tell you that your ass looks big in those jeans and that Suzy is sleeping with your boyfriend. Keep them forever.
6. When you ask a man, “What are you thinking?” and he replies, “Nothing.” It’s true.
7. For every slice of pizza you eat you will need to run 30 minutes to burn it off. Two slices equals an hour. Three slices? An hour and a half. You get the idea. That doesn’t include the beer.
8. Learn to use jumper cables.
9. Men look at other girl’s boobs. Don’t expect otherwise. It’s nothing personal. They can’t help it.
10. The only alcohol you should ever drink straight from a bottle is beer. Doing otherwise will likely land you in the hospital or even worse, a wooden box.
11. Budgeting is the key to happiness.
12. The only thing you wash with white clothes? White clothes.
13. Every cigarette you smoke takes seven minutes off your life. A pack? Two hours and 20 minutes.
14. No one knows what they are going to be when they grow up. Just get a damn degree.
15. Boys are the gravy, not the mashed potatoes.